Well, so is a Grenade!
by Invader Skrabb
Summary: Arachnophobic Jim Kirk is horrified to find a giant spider in his room! How do they get it out? *COMEDY*


**Well, so is a Grenade!**

* * *

"Bones!" Kirk screeched in horror, "Bones! Bones, come here!"

The cadet and the medical officer shared a room in Star Fleet academy. The sun shone brightly through the blinds and hit the carpeted floor. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon, and Jim hadn't for a second imagined he'd get this scared on such a perfect day as this.

Bones rushed out of the bathroom, half his face covered in shaving cream, a towel and a razor in two hands, "What is it, damn it? I'm trying to—"

The cadet pointed exasperatedly at the wall, "Look! Look!"

The irritated man stood beside Kirk and followed his line of site. There, above the cadet's bed, was a spider the size of an apple.

"Crap, that's a big spider." Bones mused, wiping the shaving cream from his face with the towel.

"I know, and it's above my bed, so kill it." Kirk ordered.

Bones glared at him, "Look Jim, you're not six years old anymore. Kill it yourself."

"I don't want to."

"Why not?"

"It'll get spider juice all over my bed."

Bones rolled his eyes and stormed back to the bathroom, washing the rest of the cream from his face, "You baby,"

"I'm not a baby," Kirk barked, following him in, "I just don't like big spiders. They tend to lay eggs."

"Right, ok, sure." Bones stood up and grabbed some toilet paper, "You know what, fine, I'll kill it for you."

Kirk contained a little squeak of delight as Bones walked back to the wall. Kirk watched from the bathroom. Bones stopped in his tracks, staring at the wall Kirk couldn't see.

"Crap," the doctor said.

Kirk raised an eyebrow, "What?"

"It's not there anymore."

Kirk went to see the wall for himself, and bit his lip, "You are shitting me."

"It's probably nothing to worry about," Bones said, although now he was beginning to feel a little apprehensive himself, "Uh, maybe it went out the window."

Kirk looked over, "It's not open."

He looked around and his eyes fell on the spider, on the _opposite side of the room_.

"Bones, look, there it is!"

Bones glanced at Kirk, cleared his throat and approached the spider, slowly and carefully, with his arm out, "I've got you now..."

The spider sat there, motionless, as the man approached. Just as McCoy moved to squish the thing, it jumped from the wall like a cat and landed on his arm!

He was sad to admit later on that he screamed like a little girl, shaking his arm until the thing fell free and fell back into Kirk's arms. The spider scuttled on the floor and the screaming continued, until they both jumped up on to Kirk's bed, gasping and hugging each other. They paused, noticed what they were doing, and jumped apart awkwardly.

Kirk picked up a tennis ball from atop his bedside dresser, and just as he aimed it at the monster jumping spider, there was a knocking on the door and a Vulcan rushed in. Oh, Mr. Spock. Yeah, Kirk recognised him. He'd attended a few of his science classes to give a lecture.

"Is everybody alright?" the Vulcan asked, "I heard screaming."

In his embarrassment in being caught standing on top of the bed, McCoy barked, "Hey, you shouldn't just barge in to someone's room—"

"Star Fleet Academy Rules, page 4 section B, states that "_In the case of emergency, a star fleet official may enter a private residence_"." Spock interrupted quickly.

"You've always got an answer for everything." Bones muttered, and Kirk wondered if they worked together or something.

"If you were not in danger then why were you both screaming? And why are you standing on a bed? And why does it seem that you are using that tennis ball as a projectile weapon?" Spock asked, and Kirk dropped the ball in embarrassment, but the spider was still in the middle of the floor and they were not brave enough to get off the bed.

"No reason," they both said at the same time.

"Then get off the bed," Spock challenged, and the spider approached his foot.

"Uh, no." Kirk said, eying the spider wearily.

"Why not?"

"It's right by your foot!" Bones warned, and Spock looked down. Anyone who knew him well would see the flash of surprise behind his eyes.

"You were afraid of a Garian Banana Spider?" asked Spock, and laid his hand on the floor, whereupon the spider crawled into his grasp. Kirk and Bones jumped off the bed, "A cadet in my class informed me that he lost on of these. Had you killed it, you would be punished for damage of private property."

"Sorry," Kirk murmured, "But it took us by surprise."

"And your first retaliation was to kill it?"

"What would you have done?" grunted the Doctor, "Actually, don't answer that. Thanks Spock, but we could've handled it by ourselves."

"I have arachnophobia," Kirk told the science officer, "That's why I tried to kill it."

"But a spider's smaller than you," Bones said, confused.

"Well, so is a grenade!" Kirk snapped back.

Spock raised an eyebrow, and felt the spider crawling between his hands, "Arachnophobia is a curable affliction, Cadet Kirk," the Vulcan told him, and gave Bones a little look, "you just have to hold it and see it is not dangerous."

Bones saw the look, and before Kirk could react, the man had him pinned down against the wall, in such a way that he couldn't move, "Hey! What are-!"

Spock lifted on hand away from the spider and gripped the cadet's arm, holding out the back of his hand. His grasp was too strong to break, "Guys! No! I don't want to touch the spider!"

"It will not bite." Spock assured, and dropped the apple sized spider on to the cadet's hand.

Kirk flinched, shutting his eyes tightly and turning his face from the spider, expecting it to jump at any moment. But it stayed still, and Spock's hand fell from his arm. Kirk slowly opened his eyes, and watched the spider sitting on his hand, perfectly still. Kirk breathed a laugh, and Bones let him go.

"What were you scared of?" grinned Bones, "It's perfectly fine."

But then the spider leaped right on to Kirk's forehead, and the screaming started all over again. Catching it before it hit the floor, Spock unintentionally tripped Bones up and they both hit the floor. Kirk swatted his hands over his forehead, "Dammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammit-!"

Spock got up and helped the doctor to his feet, spider grasped in one hand, "This was most undignified."

"Nothing to worry about, my ass!" Kirk barked angrily.

"Garian Banana Spider's do have a tendency to leap." Spock said.

Kirk moaned, putting his face in his hands, "I hate you guys."

Bones grinned that little smirk he got when he mocked the poor cadet, "What're friends for?"


End file.
